Today is Monday December 31,
2018 is mercifully coming to an end, and as I sit here and reflect on what has been a miserable year, I remain anxious and afraid of a life without you in it.
I mourned your death as privately as I could after updating our friends on social media. I didn’t want to talk about it. I tried not to even think about it but I was surrounded by things that would draw a forgotten memory of us to my reality, and I would have to force myself to resist it since I wasn’t ready to retrieve them, not yet.
Facebook was no help at all. It kept reminding me every day what you and I did on a specific day last year, three years ago, five years ago, etc. I wanted to text you a cute photo of Dixie the other day out of habit. I paid your Metro PCS mobile service to stay on this past month; I don’t know why I did that.
Many caring and concerned friends have called, texted and messaged with their condolences and what words of solace they could afford.
I don’t imagine I have returned a call to any of them yet, and a couple of people keep asking if I am ever going to answer them. I assumed they knew I didn’t want to talk about it. I’ll give them a little more time to figure it out.
Have you read the comments on your Facebook page from past acquaintances, co-workers, and intimate friends honoring your perseverance, your dedication, and your sincerity?
I doubt that you were aware of the sound impact you had in our lives. Apparently, you were a spring of hope for some and a fount of laughter for others. You meant a great deal to so many people.
You meant so much to me, too.
I know you needed me. Friends and strangers alike have showered me with regard telling me how fortunate you were to have me as your friend, but I don’t know how many recognized that I considered myself blessed to have you as my friend.
I needed you.
It was glorious to have a confidante in my life that knew me so well. You knew I didn’t like fruit in my desserts, and you were very aware of how bad of a cook I was, enough to not even ask me to boil up any water.
We could go to any Tex Mex restaurant in the world, and you would know what to order for me if I wasn’t at the table.
You knew how to make me laugh. You know what makes me cry.
I’ll never forget the time my mom was with us when we almost got in a bar fight with that Loretta Lynn fan at Billy Bob’s.
My relationship with Michael ended for many reasons, but one factor was that I would always put your needs before his. I don’t know if you knew that.
I do not have anything unpleasant to say about the break-up. We tried. We failed. I have fond memories to cherish for the rest of my life. I would do it all over again, I don’t know that I would do anything different.
You came first, and right or wrong, that’s the way it was.
I think about your mother often. I can’t even begin to imagine what Wanda is suffering? It wouldn’t matter how much I tried I would not be able to embrace the anguish that a mother must have to endure after the loss of a child.
I was so happy to see how excited you were when she came for a visit in September. We knew she wanted to see you for quite some time, but as you are aware, her doctor advised her not to do any traveling at all.
I have a feeling that she was not cleared for travel this visit, but a mothers love, and devotion will invent a way to get to her child.
Your brother, John, impressed me the most by offering to deal with funeral home and other details. I am so glad that he was also there for you.
Van, these people that you and I proudly call friends rallied behind you as you know and I am so grateful to them for helping in alleviating some strain from my already stressful existence at that time.
How can we ever repay Stacie, Jeana, Kim A, Lisa, Ginger and Kimberly C for the rides and the errands and the comfort they provided you in spending time with you?
My mom cries every time she thinks of you. I fixed up the photo she says is her favorite of the two of you. She misses you very much, and this past Thanksgiving and Christmas were tough on her not seeing you here.
If you can, go see Dexter. He loved you so much.
Dixie, Bowie, and Bailey miss you. They are the only ones that I was able to discuss you with. I told them that if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have them in my life right now and I would be utterly alone.
I am aware that at times the perception is that I was uniquely the most important person in your life. I don’t believe that was the case, although we were forever tethered to one another.
We savored twenty-two years unitedly; raising dogs and cats, taking road trips and disco dancing on Saturday nights. I genuinely believe that we do not meet people by accident. I will spend my life looking for you in others. I will never forget you.
Say hello to Montgomery, Avery and Shelby. Tell them Daddy misses them very much.
I was by your side the night you died. I hope you were able to hear my last words to you.
I’ll be looking for you when it is my time to go. Thank you again for being my friend.
I will see you in time.
The link to my story about my dying friend, in case you missed it, is below.